EH I don’t want this feeling creeping up again. I’ve been having one of the greatest summers and now I got these worries grabbing at me. Maybe it’s this drink I’m having, maybe it’s reality happening. Apartment issues, job issues, people issues. It’s a big ass hair tangle that I don’t want to run my fingers through. And I know that was a bad analogy but I’m having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around it. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself trying to be this carefree and doing these things without exactly enough money to back it all up? Maybe I was too confident that I’d find something soon enough? I have a lot of wants for this summer and I guess its taking me away from what I need. And blah blah blah I kind of want to go into a cave and just sit alone for a while, but at the same time I want to beach it, bbq, run around, go crazy and just live a little before 9-5 rules the rest of my life.. I won’t know if what Im doing is the right thing and I get that, I’d just like to feel a little less lost at the moment. But it’s only a little lost, so I think I’ll be good. I hope I’ll be good.
I dont want to waste any tears on you. Don’t act like you really care because you only show it when you’re nudged to take notice. I don’t know why I went back and messaged you, thinking that I should forgive your years of neglect and try to maintain some tie with you in my life. And the worst part is that now I know you exist and I don’t know what to do with you. For years I hardly thought about you. And now you expect me not to look back at my whole life that didn’t involve you until now? To look at the place I left? You left by cutting off communication with me and my family. You still know nothing about me. And I can’t trust you. I already have such a hard time trusting and I do blame a part of it on you, you irresponsible, selfish, ignorant man. And I want to tell you all of this directly, which I should’ve done when we met. I want to find some redeeming quality in you. I keep foolishly believing that there can be a new start. But I can’t. Cause I still honestly don’t know what to do about you. But I don’t want to neglect you like you did to me. I don’t want that for anybody.
“You’re just a ball of sensitivity and consideration. What I love about you is that you’ve always been consistent, in your friendship, in being nice to people, you’re still the same”—Yoojin thank you for that
“I think that you find your own way. You have your own rules. You have your own understanding of yourself, and that’s what you’re going to count on. In the end, it’s what feels right to you. Not what your mother told you. Not what some actress told you. Not what anybody else told you but the still, small voice.”—Meryl Streep | 0nestepcloser (via quote-book)
Thank you Tony for all the meaningful presents throughout the day and your patience and sweetness, Thank you to my parents for sushi dinner. Thank you friends who took time to say happy bday. Thank you barbara & sandy for the wine. Thank you Annie & Rosario for the dessert that the security guard made us eat outside. Thank you waitress for finding my iPhone. Thank you Alvin for making me sing even though I was nervous and def done better than that performance. thank you friends for just showing up. Thank you Yj for a great day of shopping. Thank you marybeth for introducing me to red velvet ice cream. Thank you Gretchen for saying what I need to hear. Thank u rob for being supportively hateful haha. I wish I could feel as appreciative as this everyday, but I’m writing this in hopes of remembering who I can turn to, how lucky I am, and who cares about me as much as I do them.